[teampractices] No questions allowed!

Fri Oct 13 22:54:49 UTC 2017

In the NVC trainings that I've been doing, it is often stressed that
authentic self expression is more vulnerable than listening, because the
speaker is exposing themselves while the listener remains relatively
hidden.  Obviously, the manner of expression makes all the difference--one
could easily be invulnerably talking-at someone and remain quite hidden.
But assuming that the speaker is showing up fully, with
self-responsibility, then the teaching, in relation to power dynamics, is
that the person in power should generally be the first one to speak (with
lots of caveats and exceptions), making themselves vulnerable first and
creating more equality of power.

I thought of this teaching when I read the dream.  In certain contexts,
being questioned by someone (especially by someone with more power) can
feel like facing a firing a squad--with one's vulnerability forcibly on
display, without mutuality and with insufficient regard for safety.  In
that kind of atmosphere, it could feel safer if no questions were allowed.
It could be a way to prioritize individual choice around self expression.

I think it's interesting to think about what makes a culture safe for
questions.  One of the things that occurs to me is that the environment
must genuinely support choice about how and whether to answer--a sense that
anyone can decline to answer, that an authentic no is not only allowable
but desirable--preferred over a cowed yes, etc.

*Marti JohnsonProgram Officer*
*Individual Grants*
*Wikimedia Foundation <http://wikimediafoundation.org/wiki/Home>*
+1 415-839-6885
Skype: Mjohnson_WMF

Imagine a world in which every single human being can freely share
<http://youtu.be/ci0Pihl2zXY> in the sum of all knowledge.  Help us make it
a reality!
Support Wikimedia <https://donate.wikimedia.org/>

On Fri, Oct 13, 2017 at 1:40 PM, Kevin Smith <ksmith at wikimedia.org> wrote:

> Oh, also:
>
> "What did you mean by X?" could become "I don't understand X". Which again
> is better in some ways but worse in others.
>
>
>
> Kevin Smith
> Engineering Program Manager, Wikimedia Foundation
>
>
> On Fri, Oct 13, 2017 at 1:34 PM, Kevin Smith <ksmith at wikimedia.org> wrote:
>
>> On Thu, Oct 12, 2017 at 5:30 PM, Jeroen De Dauw <jeroendedauw at gmail.com>
>> wrote:
>>
>>> It seems like for such a policy to not result in disaster, everyone
>>> needs a good amount of empathy and willingness to cooperate.
>>>
>>
>> Agreed! It would probably also require everyone to have strong
>> communication skills, generally.
>> 
>>
>>
>>> At least assuming you can't say something like "I wonder why you think
>>> that" or "Tell me why", which while strictly are not questions, result in
>>> the "same" interaction (different tone though).
>>>
>>
>> Right. I didn't work at Dreamcorp long enough to find out whether it was
>> ok to exploit the loopholes. :)
>>
>> There is an interesting difference between "What do you think we should
>> do?" and "I would appreciate if you could tell me what you think we should
>> do." Although the latter is more verbose, it actually ends up using an "I
>> statement"[1], as well as expressing appreciation at the same time. "It
>> would help me if you could..." would also work, as it empowers the other
>> person to provide you with help. On the other hand, "Tell me what you
>> think we should do" is a command, and I'm not fond of it.
>>
>> "Why do you think that's best?" could become "I'm concerned about X", or
>> "I really thought we should do Y". Both of which would be more helpful in
>> some cases, but less helpful in others. Often, an open-ended question can
>> inspire people to address things you weren't thinking of, and can avoid you
>> biasing their response. But sometimes giving a framework can be helpful.
>>
>> Thanks for helping me thing these things through even deeper.
>>
>> [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-message
>>
>>
>
> _______________________________________________
> teampractices mailing list
> teampractices at lists.wikimedia.org
> https://lists.wikimedia.org/mailman/listinfo/teampractices
>
>
-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <https://lists.wikimedia.org/pipermail/teampractices/attachments/20171013/4fe0dc7a/attachment-0001.html>